Delivered at Temple Beth-El, Stamford, CT March 22nd, 2015
When you’re a teenager trying to
assert your own identity, pretty much the last thing you want to hear is how
much you look like your mother. But I heard it a lot, and in that funny way
history has of repeating itself, my daughter Amie has heard it once or twice
herself, much to her chagrin.
But standing here today, nothing
makes me happier than knowing that I bear a strong resemblance to my mother.
Since Mom’s unexpected passing
earlier this week, we’ve all been in shock. Every morning we wake up hoping
that it was bad dream, only to be hit again with the painful understanding that
living in a world without our beloved mother and grandmother is the dreadful
new reality.
I make my living as a writer, but
when I tried to begin penning this eulogy, I had a rare moment of writer’s
block. Because how can mere words sum up Mom?
I first tried – and failed – to do
this in the dedication of my book CHARMED, I’M SURE which comes out next spring.
I’m so, so grateful that I gave Mom
the manuscript to read on her recent trip to Israel, so that she knew about the
dedication. It says: To my mother, Susan
Darer, for teaching me to become the woman I am today.
But that short sentence doesn’t
begin to do Mom justice.
Here’s where it helps to have
friends who are bestselling authors, so you can crib the words and ideas that
they write in in their condolence letters.
Cinda Williams Chima wrote this: “You look so much like her, and I’m sure that’s not her only legacy
to you. So you can think of yourself as carrying your parents forward through
the years.”
Reading Cinda’s words made me think
about Mom’s greatest legacies to John, Anne and me - the ones we are endeavoring
to carry forward.
The most important of these is
family – not just us, not just our aunts and uncles and first cousins, but our
great aunts and uncles, and our second and third cousins. Unfortunately our
great aunts and uncles are no longer with us, but when we were growing up it
was like having multiple sets of grandparents, dispensing love and wisdom and
guidance. Family gatherings were big fun affairs, and if you married into the
family you probably needed a scorecard to keep track. But the second cousins we grew up are with
are here today supporting us in love, and our kids are friends with their third
cousins. That’s what we mean in Yiddish when we use the word mishpocheh.
But another legacy our mother left
us is the knowledge that family members aren’t merely the people related to us
by blood or marriage. She modeled that we
create family by caring about those around us. Seeing faces here from so many
different time periods and facets of her life is a testament to that. As
someone who is struggling to face the fact that she no longer has parents, I
hope that I can look to you, the extended family Mom created, to continue to dispense
the love, wisdom and guidance our mother is no longer here to give us.
For all of us who loved Mom, the
shock of her sudden passing feels like having limbs torn off without anesthetic. In recent years Mom hadn’t just been my
parent, she’d become my friend. During challenging moments with my teenagers,
I’d call her up and apologize time after time for everything I’d ever said and
done to her when I was a teenager – and as everyone who knew me when I was in
high school can attest, I had a LOT
to apologize for. It got to the point that Mom gave me the Jewish equivalent of
a Papal Indulgence – “Enough already, I
forgive you once and for all!”
Mom with her granddog, Benny |
We were able to have deeper
conversations, about life and love, and even politics, a subject area where over
the last decade of being a columnist I’ve developed a reputation for being rather
outspoken. I know this made Mom proud, even though it sometimes caused her
problems. For instance, there was the time someone who couldn’t get my unlisted
phone number left her several vitriolic messages late at night, resulting in us
having to file a complaint with the Stamford police. I was beside myself because I’ve had to
develop what it takes to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune but
folks should know better than to mess with my mom.
Still, I was glad we’d started to
have such conversations, because when I was growing up, politics was an area
where my father’s voice overshadowed my mother’s.
Beth Styles, to whom I’m so
grateful for being here with Mom’s New World Chorus family today, wrote about
how our mother returned the love she received from fellow choir members after
Dad’s death by volunteering to be the leader of the Chorus’ care team. Beth wrote:
“It was her desire that everyone in the choir felt known and acknowledged.”
That really resonated with me, because
my son Josh and I found out that we’d lost Mom when we’d just got off a plane
on the way back from attending the TED conference in Vancouver after hearing Dave
Isay of StoryCorps, winner of the 2015 TED Prize, announce his Wish for theWorld.
StoryCorps is an oral history project that aims to provide people of all
backgrounds with the opportunity to record and share their life stories in the
belief that “every life matters equally and infinitely.”
Anne and I interviewed Dad for
Father’s Day shortly after the first StoryCorps booth opened in Grand Central
in 2003. It wasn’t long after that, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, so we’re
so grateful to have that recording. In 2006, Josh and I went into the booth together, and as a result, ended up at the TED conference last week. In 2010,
Mom and Dad were recorded at StoryCorps as part of the Alzheimer’s initiative,
and later that year, I interviewed Mom. I’m so glad I didn’t wait.
To honor Mom’s memory please
consider having a conversation of your own with someone you love. You no longer
have to wait for an appointment at a StoryCorps booth – at TED, Dave announced
a new StoryCorp app, which helps you with questions and gives helpful hints on
how to record a meaningful interview. It then allows you to upload your
recording to the Library of Congress.
Don’t put it off, because as I learned so
painfully this week, you don’t know when you’ll kiss your mother goodnight
after spending a great evening together and say: “See you when I get back, I
love you,” only to return to find out that you won’t see her again, ever.
Mom touched so many lives in a positive
way. In an age where society too often focuses attention on the loudest, the
flashiest and the wealthiest, she was a quiet, humble hero. She was my hero. My greatest hope is that I will
live the rest of my life in a way that is truly worthy of the example she set.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful tribute. Your mom deserves it.
ReplyDeleteThis is lovely, Sarah. And perfect.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear of your loss. She sounds like such a wonderful person.
ReplyDelete